Standing on a podium at a local muscle man competition, wearing a fetching pair of Samson Pants my good wife had made for me, l undertook a series of good old fashioned poses as pioneered by that terrific strong fellah-me-chap Eugen Sandow.
Whiskers bristling, an eyebrow jauntily twitching at the scowling Women-folk, l embarked into my stunning flexes and skillfully rendered sonnets to the adonis like form that was my parping and trembling form.
Through one particularly strenuous pose, a Malteser popped out of me bum, with a loud quack.
The sensible and thick material of my garment held the offending object in check, as l waded into a gaggle of giggling Competitors and gave them a stout telling off, and a series of clips around their bumiffery ears. Begad!
Naturally l was escorted away, and spent the rest of the day supping tea and looking at the other stalls at this Fete of sorts. Including one that had a Steam powered train set, that went woo woo! All around this big track, smashing stuff.

LOL. You have not got a son called Lupin by any chance?

l am not personally acquainted with Mr Sandow, but l do have a joint interest in the health & fitness of the modern urbanite. Having conducted a hastily arranged audit of my finest qualities, l have arrived at the conclusion that while l cannot 'look' as good as the aforementioned gent, l can brush my teeth, trim my moustache & poke a Swedish porn star off my window sill with a stick at the same time.

Not bad for a 94 year old!

l unbeknownst to yourself had entered the aforesaid musculaturic comparison test this week gone. Unfortunately, prior to this, l had administered to myself two peckles of laudenum from a spooning cup. On the way to the competition, l could not control nor desist from squiring my landlady upon the stairs without her permission. Mrs Bumblesqueak my giddy aunt, after witnessing this, swooned upsetting a platter of buttered quail quartlets. l was 34detained by the beak & am up against the assizes this Monday week on the charge of Advanced Fondling with aggravated clothe moiling.

You humble servant Jarvis Hullpeppper

l suggest a more fibre rich diet, and respectfully the use of a cork on competition day.
Amino acid supplements can do some good but for my taste are over rated.

l do not believe for a moment that it was a Malteser old chum ! If it were it would not quack,but hoff,as it is a light treat! It sounds as though it was more like a Minstrel! Revels are more of a rasp,but the coffee one smells !!